Intro: Whether it’s dealing with passive-aggressive behavior, unreasonable workload, inability to listen, persistent negativity, or outright hostility…the impact on your job satisfaction and mental well-being can be real. So, surely the skill to manage this is a high priority now, isn’t it? I am not an expert but I will give you a walk through of how I am navigating my challenges.
Hmm….how frustrated are you at work right now? Scale it on a 1–10.
I’d say 3.5 or 4.
For context, I have gone through conversations where I felt intentionally contradicted as a sign to undermine me. Few interactions where I am ghosted. Few interactions where I am just repeating myself. There was another conversation where I felt like I was being misunderstood constantly and no matter how much effort I put into a draw a fruitful conversation, I was given no ear to listen, forget about empathy. This made me feel like a robot. I was so clear that I tried everything to make it peaceful between us and it is because of the people on the opposite side, I have to deal with the stressful situation. And then, I was just left with more despair that all my efforts went into nothing. Felt burnt-out, demotivated, almost questioned my entire career (and thus life) to be surrounded around such people. I will not disagree with you if you think that’s a little extreme. I am able to see it now as I see it from a 3rd POV. But during the 1st occurrence of a stressful situation, human brain sends a RED alarm loud enough to derail its sanity. You know, the way a baby would cry when something slightly uncomfortable happens. Regular human reaction.
So……….
- No need to beat up yourself that you are a baby for feeling strong emotions.
- No need to conclude that this is the ending of that particular work relationship (or your job or life)
- No need to paint a certain person with any tags and dislike that person.
- No need to give the taste of their own medicine
- No need to take it personally that bad things happen to you.
“Then what to do?!!”
Since you have read till here, let me help you by disappointing you that, this is not a write-up to assess and validate the unwanted behavior of others. It took me quite a struggle and repeated conversations with myself, mentors and back to the subjects of the situation to understand that……
Now, what would a smart person do to cope?
Will a smart person sit and cry/rant? May be, but for how much time?
What smart thing would a smart person do?
What are the possible unspoken reasons that this could be happening?
What kind of solution is truly smart?
What kind of thinking is truly smart and sustainable long term?
Is there an absolute solution to this?
What is the best possible solution and how can I adapt to it?
What are the unspoken expectations? (think smart, not hard)
Notice how I never used the word ‘toxic’ while describing the behavior. I sure did that when I was ranting to a friend but once I am sitting down to truly understand it as holistic as possible, using the labels is subjective than objective, which doesn’t seem to helpful to me. Don’t mistake me, this is not an attempt to sound politically correct, rather an attempt to give it all a fair chance so I find myself in less unreasonable scenarios — that ultimately decreases my stress. Decrease the expectations, not by forcefully regarding someone lesser but by giving more empathy. The skill to empathize has only been becoming bigger and bigger with more difficult situations that I encounter. Empathy sits on multiple layers — emotional, mental, age-wise, social situation, personality wise, shortcomings and a lot lot more. The more benefit of doubt and empathy that I gave, the more peaceful I am able to be with a stressful situation.
Also, I want you to know that the journey of empathy will have multiple breakpoints. If empathy was that easy, everybody would be doing it and the world would be peaceful forever. So when you reach that breakpoint in that path, take a step back, acknowledge it, take a break to re-charge. Just don’t do anything that comes as an outcome of that breakpoint. It is really really hard to resist but it won’t be once you ask yourself that
“Who is going to lose on a hasty reaction with permanent results for a temporary situation?”
Content to study:
- The 3 most difficult types of coworkers and how to deal with them | Amy Gallo for Big Think+ (youtube.com)
- Myths of resilience
- The concept of 40% Resilience: When you think you are done, you are only really 40% done. (this makes me think my 4/10 stress may not even be real)
NONE of this is EASY. This needs us to deal with extreme emotional skills which are not taught to us on a daily basis. So if it looks tough, it IS tough. Just because everybody is going through it, or your friend generalized it for you and said “suck it up”, it is not regular to deal with. If you are doing this all alone, it is even tough and also will make you feel lonely. But that’s alright. While telling yourself “this too shall pass”, keep your mind in an optimistic head space. Optimism will flow easily when you tell yourself that no matter what happens, you will give the smartest and the strongest reaction to it. It might take some time to get there but commit to that destination. Stay resilient!
It’s funny how the left side and the right side go hand-in-hand. Not being able to act up to one’s resilience expectations can frustrate further. But this chart should remind you how well you are doing with lack of resources. I REPEAT, none of this is easy. So if it seems difficult even after knowing so much, because it IS difficult.
Having a kidney stone pain might seem like the end of it, but is it?
Cheers!
